What A Job

I must confess, I was terribly cranky today.  I thought about waiting to post until I am a bit more pleasant, but then you might not see me for a week or two.  I was cranky this morning when I woke up, having been suffering an extra affliction or two on top of the normal, ready to go shopping for a new body(anyone have an extra lying around?) I was cranky even before my son hit his sister and threw three temper tantrums before school.  I was cranky before getting a letter from his teacher about an "altercation" in gym class yesterday, and having to talk him down from yet another meltdown before heading into class because he had all but forgotten the incident(apparently he was teasing another boy and the boy hit him, not a major altercation but still a mood-spoiler.)  I was cranky before my daughter decided she would rather argue in the middle of the street for 10 minutes than get back into the stroller so we could finish the last half block of our walk.  Before she yelled at me as soon as I turned off the car that she did NOT want help with her seatbelt, and then running around the car multiple times because she did not want to go in the house.  I was feeling cranky, but I felt like a saint for not losing patience and spanking or yelling at my kids. 

I hate being cranky.  It makes me crankier when I can't shake it off.  So I picked out my favorite cd from about 2002, and cranked it up while I did the dishes, hoping to feel better once my kitchen was clean and I forgot my troubles.  It almost worked, too.  Until I did the last search for stray dishes before starting the dishwasher and discovered my darling daughter in the bathroom.  Amidst a huge mess.  Huge, cranky-inducing mess.  Then I yelled.  Nope. Not a saint.  Then as I finished the dishes and picked out the toothbrush, toothpaste, toilet paper roll, and the entire contents of the bathroom trash out of the toilet before scrubbing(and plunging and praying it would ever flush again,) I found myself thinking that I wished I could quit this job.  Hand in my resignation and find a different job.  One that pays better, or at all, and one where I could better use my talents, which apparently are not keeping my children out of trouble while simultaneously keeping the house clean.  Then I told myself that most mothers probably feel this way in a moment of weakness at least once, so I was not going to beat myself up for an errant thought that popped into my head.  I am just going to finish my chores, and keep on going.  Because this job does have its unbearable moments, moments when you just want to break down and cry and admit that you can't do it.  But in reality, these awful days are the exception, rather than the rule. 
I never realized before having kids the extent to which my life would be changed.  How every thought and every decision would revolve around them and what was best for them, for the rest of my life.  This is not a job you quit when it gets hard.  This is a job you have to stick it out and find a way to not only live through it, but to make it better on the really cranky days, like this one.  So naptime will come a little early today for my daughter, and I will find a way to shake the crankies in time to get my son from school.  I wish I could pop a couple ibuprofen and feel better.  But since I can't, a little down time will have to do.