How to Go to the Grocery Store Alone With Small Children, Step by Step

1. Make sure the scheduled grocery trip is nowhere near naptime. Or before mealtimes.
2. Bring snacks, stop for a Happy Meal if necessary. Don't skip this step. Seriously, a tiny box of raisins, a Dum Dum, a pack of fruit snacks. Anything.
3. Park near the cart area. Like right next to it, so you can have good manners and return the cart without a long walk after. Stay away from the car carts that have your child seated 10 feet in front of you. Keep your enemies close, so to speak. Not to mention, those carts are very hard to steer, as many knocked-over boxes can attest. See #7.
4. Bring baby wipes. Just do.
5. Chatter to your kids about every little thing you can distract them with(Ooh look, there are the lobsters, let's go say "Hi!"{aka look away from the doughnuts})
6. Steer clear of the candy aisle. This should go without saying.
7. Drive the cart as fast as you dare, especially through snack and cereal aisles. Apologize profusely to every shopper you crash into. Which is most of them.
8. "Ooh and Aah" profusely over the various fruits and veggies, especially those on sale. "Ooh, Canteloupe, my favorite! Oh My Gosh! Let's get one!" "Would you like to help me cook this awesome cauliflower? It looks like a brain!"
9. Kids are going to spot every cartoon character item dangling in front of them. They are everywhere, and kids won't miss a one. So you say..."Say hello to the princess...have a good day, princesses! Oh look! Cheerios! How exciting! And look! Around the corner is chicken! Yum!" Zoom away. Distract.
10. Keep moving at all times. Do not stop the cart to comparison shop. Eyeball it as you approach and grab it as you pass. Do not stop. Do. Not. Stop.
11. Choose your checkout line. Eyeball the cashier. Does he or she look friendly? Fatherly, Motherly, grandmotherly? If he or she is already scowling, they won't have patience for you and your mountain of groceries. Or your kid(s.)
12. Checkout. Have your child "help" you unload the groceries onto the conveyer belt. Hand them small items as fast(or faster) as they can unload them so they don't have one moment to scope out the candy ever so conveniently placed at their eye level directly behind them.
13. If you manage to complete steps 1-12, go ahead, reward the kids with a candy bar, if they are on sale. Praise them until you lose your voice on how well they did and how fun it was to take them to the store.
14. If things don't go so well, breathe. Like if your 4 year old son thinks he can muscle 2 gallons of milk simultaneously onto the conveyor. And misses. And drops a gallon on the third try. And it splatters all over the whole world. And you want to crawl in a hole and die. Breathe. This is not the end of the world. Chances are, the cashier and bagger will feel sooo bad for you, they will clean up the mess with a smile and take your groceries to your car without even asking if you want them to. Don't cry until you get to the car. Or if you load up on two weeks' worth of groceries successfully but get to the car and it won't start. In the dead heat of an Arizona June. Breathe. Cry, just a little. But tomorrow it will be in the past. And you will call someone who loves you to come and rescue you. And they will. And the next trip we will try, try again.
I will stop here, because #10 is long past, I won't make it to #20, and I like the number 14, personally. So here are my super secret Super Mom secrets to grocery shopping. They are not foolproof, see above. Nor are they to be taken quite literally. I write tongue-in-cheek. I hope you realize that when reading most of my posts. Please know what that means.